What if I don’t know how many guys I fucked

If you ask me a number, I have no fucking idea.

I tried once to make a list, but I had so many one night stands that I lost track.

Alcohol was heavily involved and sex was mediocre, so does this even count? Of course it does, but it goes straight to the “black list of fucks”.

People might ask: If you were molested as a child, does that mean you don´t enjoy sex? Hell no! I love sex, the problem comes with intimacy after sex. That´s my biggest challenge.

It doesn´t mean either that I jump around from one bed to the other one. I could spent months without fucking and masturbation becomes my best friend.

I fucked more often when I was younger, in my twenties or early thirties. I used to drink more too, that helped taking the edge of things and unleash myself.

However, I hated the feeling of waking up the next morning and not knowing what I did the night before. My behaviour was always super embarrassing and sad.

Since I stopped travelling and settled down in Barcelona, I blacked out a few times. I don´t party like before. I don´t feel that need anymore.

Now I drink maybe one glass of wine every once in a while, but I rather use cannabis instead. I don´t lose control and I don´t black out with cannabis. That´s a huge help.

I think that I finally learned my lesson. Extremes are bad, balance is good.

Images from one of my collages