I am an addict?

I need stimulants all the time. If I´m very honest to myself, I take psychiatric medication in the morning, smoke cannabis every day, both CBD and THC, and drink lots of beverages with natural caffeine.

For the last 10 years, I take 20 milligrams of Prozac in the morning. That was prescribed at the moment and it helps with other physical anxieties I have, but that´s a different story.
Since I moved into Barcelona, I smoke a lot of cannabis. I always had, since I was a teenager, but here is legal for personal consumption. I have easy access to a lot of varieties and I´m growing my own indoors.

Sometimes I asked myself if I could stop taking that medication and stop smoking, how would that be? They both help me on different levels, but maybe the amount is what concerns me, and the unwillingness to reduce my daily intake. I can easily smoke 3 to 4 joints a day and that much usually knocks me down. I don´t interact with anyone, don´t reply to messages, and don´t look out for any communication. And that concerns me.

During this past Easter week, I started a collage. When I’m feeling down, confused and not understanding why I do what I do, I start this process, where I ask myself questions and I let it speak through the images I choose:

April 3rd

What´s wrong? What do you want Cata love?

I started to choose images from Italy, and a drawing my mom brought me from Venezia, which reminds me of Catalina.

April 4rd

Who Am I?

I realized I ask myself that a lot. I think this is when I chose images from Italy: the Roman Forum, The Pantheon.

Recharging with weed, and I keep moving images around.

April 5th

Going back to work today for a couple of hours. Trying to detox, but I already smoke one joint. I want a second one and I wonder: Why do you need to knock yourself down? I was feeling good this morning, and I still smoke one. Is this how an addiction feels like?

Who Am I?

April 9th

During this past week I was busy with work and didn´t spend any time with the collage. I had the same struggle as usual, trying to fight this habit of smoking in the morning and slowing me down.

April 10th

Love the feeling of waking up on a Saturday morning, however, my first impulse is to have a smoke.

The final images of the collages are ready, so I start gluing all the pieces. Apolo loves to hang out.

Mate and smoothie
Apolo is very spoiled and always have a special place close to me.
Some of my collages on the wall

April 11th

I´m finishing the last touches of the collage. As usual, I smoke some in the morning and I told myself the same thing I say every Sunday: “I finish the last weed and I start a detox this Monday”

I think what frustrates me about smoking lots of weed is wasting time. If I managed to do all the things I expect myself to do, then I´m ok with it.

I wish I could control it, like how I control other things, but I guess that´s how being addicted feels like, right? I don´t know.

I started to keep of journal of how I feel everyday, let´s see how this Monday starts like.


2 thoughts on “I am an addict?

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