Trying not to smoke today

Cannabis girl: collage made with dry cannabis leaves made by me

This post took literally a year to be written.

The first part was written during 2021 when my job location and my daily routine was different. The second part was written during 2022, where many thing are different, but my addition has not changed.

From November 2021 to September 2022 I stopped writing, no WordPress, not even logging in. I kept the basic free WordPress, I felt it was important to keep a diary of everything I wrote, but i didn´t feel like sharing.

Almost a year ago I was going through a phase where I was trying to identify why I was smoking so much. I had cultivated my own cannabis, CBD and THC, I was going all in smoking lots, everyday.

April 2021

“I’ve been keeping a diary for the last couple of weeks, trying to identify why I need to get high. A therapist once showed me this process, she said to be very specific about the emotions you feel, learn to name them. That therapy only lasted a month, Covid started and I wasn’t able to afford it anymore. Anyway, here’s what happened in the last 2 weeks. My first language is Spanish, so some expressions I will keep them that way.

I tried to keep track of my behavior for a couple of days, it lasted 3 days:

Sunday April 11th

9 am: “Fumo lo último”, “El lunes paro”

I need help, whatever this is. Correct the behavior, it makes no sense. When I smoke too much, I hide, but at the same time I open up.

This past weekend, I ate a lot, took many naps, didn´t see anybody, and I smoked like a mother fucker.

Monday, April 12th

9am: Starting my detox. I´m on the bus going to work and I feel high and tired. I start thinking that I should start reading again. I love reading, but surprisingly, I haven´t read not even one book since the pandemic started.

12:30: At work. During the morning I felt good, but now I start feeling bored, feeling unsatisfied, why? These are like waves of feelings or thoughts. I feel uneased.

4pm: I have a break from 2:30pm to 5pm, and I have the tendency to smoke during those hours. I want to stop by the cannabis club, but I don´t. There´s a feeling of emptiness.

10:30pm: In bed. When I don´t smoke I´m more efficient. Tonight it felt I did all the things I was supposed to. Now I feel good.

Tuesday, April 13th

10am: One moment I feel good, relaxed, feeling like reconnecting with myself. A couple of hours later I feel bored and I want to smoke a huge joint.

3pm: It´s a fact. I want to smoke, but at the same time, I feel good, I´m more active and I don´t want to do it.

6pm: Ok, I´m struggling. I want to go to the cannabis association, is like a routine I have, something that is very incorporated into my habits. I think that I´m also drinking too much coffee, green tea, Argentinian mate, all beverages that stimulate you.

10pm: I smoked. I intentionally spoke to my friend B and asked her what was she up to. She invited my over for dinner, and she always has weed.

5 months later….

September 19th 2021:

“It’s been one failure after another one. I smoke every day, 2 to 4 joints a day”

That´s the last thing I wrote.

A year later…

September 2022

Many things happened in the last year:

Have the same job, but different location, lots of responsibility, and lots of stress. The type of stress where I don´t really disconnect.

I kept smoking a lot, however, I finished smoking the weed I cultivated. Now, I have to go to the cannabis association to buy it. I want to believe that I smoke less, but to be honest, I don´t know.

I started reading again, that is a huge advancement. For the last couple of years, it was difficult to connect. Nothing seemed good enough to keep my attention.

I started therapy with the same therapist I had in Argentina 15 years ago. She is still in Argentina, I live in Barcelona, so we video call.

I´m remodeling my apartment, painting walls, changing the decoration, changing some furnitures, getting more plants and, remembering to water them

I don´t know if I will continue to write. Is hard to share, is hard talk about myself.

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