Are you able to stay clean?

Every time is the same feeling, knowing that I have an addiction and not being able to face it and do something about it.

Another weekend passed, and I smoked, ate, slept, and did absolutely nothing, not even taking a shower or washing my face.

Makes me feel disgusted. I feel like life is passing me by, and I’m not getting any younger. I will be 41 in a couple of weeks. When the fuck did this happen?

I’m the only one who can make a change, not my mother, not my brother, not my friend. ME.

To do that, I need to face the reason why I want to be high all the time. Not wanting to connect with reality.

I know that I work a lot and work stresses me out a lot. Is like being stuck on both ends, on one hand, I love my job and on the other hand, it consumes me like a fucking fire that consumes a match.

Before the pandemic, I was more social, used to go out more, and hung out with friends. After the pandemic, something changed. I don’t feel like spending time with people anymore. I cannot discern if it is because I’m so high all the time or if something changed in me and I became a lonely person.

I haven’t had sex in over a year, and the year before that, I had sex only once. Some people may think this is very sad or weird, but I don’t feel anything. No sexual desire, no petty for myself. Nothing.

Maybe if I stop smoking and being high all the time, would I start feeling something?

Let’s see if I can finish day 1 of staying clean.

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