So.. as repetitive as this sounds, I made one more collage and the same topic came up: my addiction. Is hard to admit to myself that there is a need of using non-stop and that I lost control. So this is how it starts: blank cardboard, magazines, and random images that I keep in boxes. At the back of the desk, there’s a collage of … Continue reading Fumeta
Every time is the same feeling, knowing that I have an addiction and not being able to face it and do something about it. Another weekend passed, and I smoked, ate, slept, and did absolutely nothing, not even taking a shower or washing my face. Makes me feel disgusted. I feel like life is passing me by, and I’m not getting any younger. I will … Continue reading Are you able to stay clean?
This post took literally a year to be written. The first part was written during 2021 when my job location and my daily routine was different. The second part was written during 2022, where many thing are different, but my addition has not changed. From November 2021 to September 2022 I stopped writing, no WordPress, not even logging in. I kept the basic free WordPress, … Continue reading Trying not to smoke today
The last time I posted something was April 11th. I just didn’t feel like sharing anymore. I lost interest completely, and this is something that has been happening to me for the last couple of years. I start something, I work hard for 1 to 3 months, then I turn the page and forget about it. However, I have to remind myself that when I … Continue reading WTF
I need stimulants all the time. If I´m very honest to myself, I take psychiatric medication in the morning, smoke cannabis every day, both CBD and THC, and drink lots of beverages with natural caffeine. For the last 10 years, I take 20 milligrams of Prozac in the morning. That was prescribed at the moment and it helps with other physical anxieties I have, but … Continue reading I am an addict?
My last post was on Feb 10th and I have to admit the last couple of weeks were very difficult. I was very depressed, my feelings were all over the place. I would cry in the shower, I would cry in the morning, or even on the bus. It’s funny how as an adult, I can continue to work and live my life, without showing … Continue reading Hiding for a couple of weeks
There are different definitions of self-sabotage, but the one that impacted me the most was this one: “The act of destroying or damaging something deliberately so that it does not work correctly” That is how I feel about myself when it comes to relationships or getting involved emotionally with someone, I always fuck it up. There is something about my behavior that changes, and it … Continue reading Do you self-sabotage?
This month was full of ups and downs, emotionally speaking.We are very busy at work, but the moving of location is not fully confirmed yet, and we can all feel the stress in the air. We are still closed to the students and continue the online lessons until Feb 7th. However, it looks like a lockdown is coming, Covid cases in Spain continue to increase. … Continue reading The Ups and Downs of January 2021
I´m always asking myself this type of question. I was depressed for many years and it was difficult to enjoy life in general. Now that I´m older, I found many tools that help me appreciate life and I don´t feel depressed anymore. However, I´m always analyzing my behavior, is like constantly checking for red flags, in case that feeling becomes overwhelming again. So whenever something … Continue reading Why do we do the things we do?
I never wanted to tell my parents I was molested when I was a child. I tried to protect them from the pain. A therapist once asked me: “Who was protecting young Cata love when the abuse was happening?”. I was the child and they were the adults. She said I kept inverting the roles. I kept it as a secret for so many years. … Continue reading Blogging is saving me thousands on therapy
Today I was down when I woke up. It was difficult to get out of bed. I was hungry, but I couldn’t move. I was cuddling Apolo and it felt so good I wanted to last forever. I had that feeling of sadness and laziness. I just wanted to stay in a horizontal position all day long. One therapist once said to me “Don´t let … Continue reading Horizonal position
I started this year being on the edge of an emotional breakdown. I had a corporate job that I worked really hard to get. It was the job that I thought would be my dream job. I actually hated everything about it. Back on January 2020, I was trying really hard not to show my disappointment at work and I’m a good actress. It was … Continue reading January 2020 versus December 2020
I met this guy and I thought that maybe it was happening again. I was going to be able to share more with someone that just a good fuck. But it didn´t happen. Why is it that for some people is so difficult to connect on a physical level and for others is on the emotional level? I can´t help feeling sorry for myself sometimes. … Continue reading Another brick in the wall
Does it happen to you that you want to be happy, and on the surface you have the tools to be happy, but you are not. You are always chasing the feeling of happiness, but what the fuck is happiness? Does it really exist? We are humans beings, we fluctuate through emotions, we can be happy one moment, and be miserable right the next one. … Continue reading My friend: The black cloud
La Cata Love 